New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
