Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
