I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
