it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
