Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
