my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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