i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
the room spins SO much faster in panama
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
