Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
