I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
