i love accidental penises.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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