it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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