I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
