Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
