The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
