but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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