No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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