You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
