fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize