i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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