I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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