i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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