Betty ford says i'm here all night
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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