Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
