Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
