you're like a bully in the Christmas story
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize