So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
