I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
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