the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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