Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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