I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
