The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
