I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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