u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
