NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
