I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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