I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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