Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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