I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
