My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
