Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
