Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
