i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
