drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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