I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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