Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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