So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My bed smells like the plague
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize