All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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