you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
