whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
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