i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
