Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
this is an emotional support booty call
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
