Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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