how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My cat gives me a boner
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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