Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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