Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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