Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
